Dreams n thoughts

Here's what my dreams are...

i want to dance - to express myself thur my body... to feel the songs flow through my soul onto my feet and to jus move to the rhythm in a beautiful movement
i want to sing - to sing my heart out... to mean every word and to feel like in my soul... to sing the tunes and carry it as if it is my own... to sing like how it was meant to be sung
i want to live - to live life always being joyous... meeting people and always try to impact ppl i meet
i want to love - to give my heart n take all risk accociated with it and to jus care with all my heart not worrying about if it will be returned a not
i want to draw - to hold a pencil and sketch all the images and art in my head that i see... to express myself not only in body but also thru paper
i want to take pictures - to allow others to see how i view the world.... to capture a certain beauty in things which seems most ordinary and overlooked...

i really dunno why i'm studying accounting at the moment since all i wan to do seems really into the arts side... hehehehe but i guess in time we'll find it out

till then.. HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY M"SIA!!!!

Good Girl? Bad Girl?

Sorry for the emo-ness..... hav u ever feel that u're not good enuf? that u've done something so bad that u somehow feel it's unforgivable n u jus wanna be left alone down that path which u know will lead to misery but u jus wanna walk in it coz u know u're not good anymore? i feel that way... like i've done some stuff that i feel it's unforgivable and that i'm ashame of n i jus wanna be left alone to walk down this path of destruction.... i can't explain why i feel this way all i know is i'm in too deep to let it go... i jus want him... i know he's no good for me... i know i can do better but at this moment i jus want him... i know he used me... i know i can never be happy with him... but for this moment i wish he was here with me.... sigh... i know i shouldn't miss him.. but i can't help it.... i do miss him and i miss him badly... oh my... someone pls knock some sense into me!!! sigh....i think i might jus have turned into a bad girl....

Broken.... finally

sigh.... "u'll never know what u have till it's gone" this is a quote that has been reminding of the slight pain of a memory i have now.... not to mention the countless songs that sings about love torn apart....i'll have to admit that i'm a bit if not alot of a saddist... i kinda like the intense of feeling apart from the one u love... yet... it's so painful and most, many a time u wish that person wat jus here with you..... i need someone to love.... maybe then i won't feel so lonely.... yet the process of knowing someone n letting them know u n then deciding if u should get together a not... seems..so... LONG... u know like forever... i'm like so tired of having to go thur that initial stage over and over and over again.... maybe that's why to a certain degree i much prefer arrange marriages.... so fast n easy... MARRIGE first then fall in LOVE.... sigh... committement bound... learn to love each other thru it all...

When u hate work

Working now is like a drag.... everytime i go to work is a day when i feel like crying... i can't really explain but when it happens i really hate working.... but always at the end of the day i will find a reason to stay and continue to work... the only reason i still work there is coz i believe if u can take the shit they are giving my now i can do it later in the future... though it is not a good reason to work in a place you hate.... it's not giving up on it that makes me stay.... the customers also give me much relieve to see them smile n to talk to some of them makes this job worth working... i jus wish they would treat me a little better... everyday this semester is like battle... struggling to constantly put up with people who look down on me and put me down with their words and action... sometimes i feel so tired... trying to win over and over and over again... to prove to them that i can do it.... it is a struggle.... but i know in my heart is only i can take this battle one day at a time... i will survive and when i do.... i know i can survive anything... it's not "the how many timesu fall down" that counts its the "how many times u get up when ur down" that makes all the difference... and i know i can make it... patience amanda....patience.....

SOLUTION!!!

Finally bought a wheeler bag to carry all my textbooks..hehehe.... enjoy the pics of my new bag!!

A Bug!!!

HAve you ever wondered why some ppl just get to you?
sigh... like a bug that is always disturbing you... this ppl jus get to you and you have no idea why! WHY!!!! hehehehe... so mang ler.... dun understand how can these ppl jus find the rite way to creep into your skin and get to you... wish i can squach the feelings like a bug...eee....

Definition of men n women...a profund truth

hm... so went to church on Sunday and ironically the pastor was talking bout marriage... it was an eye opening experience to me coz it gave me my first in look on the tragic knowledge of how Australians think about marriage... and how liberal they were about the matter... i guess growing up in a secure family i never knew the majority truth that is currently in the world... anyway... he said a few things that personally i felt were so true and that i wanted to share with you...

a man defines himself with the contribution and performance he gives... let me explain, a man, any man has ego... be it big of small...it's there and generally a man's definition of self in thru the contribution and performance he does or bring to the relationship or work... when we as women pick on their contribution, it hurts their self definition thus making them feel unappreciated and unloved....

a woman defines herself thru the health of the relationship she has with the man.... this is found it a profound turth... i've always been afraid of becoming a super possessive gf and the truth is, i've became a little when i realise that the health of my relationship was insecure.... this to me was something that i finally understood.... i though i was jus being a whacko but now i understand why whenever i get or almost get into a relationship i feel very insecure and have a needy side... not because i'm a whacko but it was because i as a woman was define by the health of my relationship and it's because the relationships health was unstable...i became unstable... hehehe... at least now i know i'm normal... hehehe... so yea... it was profound and i really hope one day my husband and i will know this truth and know what i need and i will know what he needs...

thru this insight... i learn to "Stroke a man's ego" once a while and to let him know that he's contribution is knowledge.... so on goes my life of waiting for the Right moment to arrive... until then... i'll still be preparing for him...

BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS!

EEEEE...... banyaknya buku kena beli...... not like u'll use it forever..... one subject has many as 3 textbook thicker than my bible wei!.... money all flying liao =( not like it's cheap as well... $200 for one subject... wahliao convert is like RM600 wei!..... but wat to do... at least got secondhand... now jus trying to figure out how to get those books to class... doesn't help that i usually walk to uni.... hm... maybe i should get a small wheeler bag.... sounds potential.. i shall go shop and see.... sigh.... money going again..... hehehe... so dilemma... hope i'll be able to get all mytextbook in time... so lazy to go find and buy it... really reluctant to buy them... okla..gtg sleep! 8am to 5.30 pm class... see ya soon! ciao

Will He be Back?

And she awakes to find him beside her asleep on the coach overlooking at her, he looks so cute when he sleeps.... and she loves the way he cares so much about her... will he ever know the truth about how she feels towards him? it's a pity that he'll have to leave her, and in her mind she started to question why everyone she cared about somehow ended up walking out on her.... she's in tears now... without her realising the need for him to be with her is so evident... she wished she could hold him.... wished to be in his embrace and stay in that moment forever but alas... soon.. reality will strike and she'll be left alone again... wondering if he'll ever be back for her.... he said many things.... things that would make any women's heart flutter but she will not believe it..she refuses to believe a single thing he says until he comes back for her.... yet she'll remember... yes she will remember... ever single word he said.... not coz it meant anything but because she really wants it to be true... and then she reaches out with tears burning the side of her face... to touch him while he's asleep... to confess her feelings towards him... in a silent stare and motion... to feel him for one last time.....


it'a a pity he had to go home.... we only known each other for a while yet.... i wished we had a chance to know each other better... will see each other again i hope.... till then take care my friend whereever u are....

Dissapointed but moving on...

So i randomly joined a business competition... worked my ass till the final 4 and loss... it was dissapointing.... i admit i was a sore loser... when home early to dwell in depression and loss out on receiving business cards from future employers....darn! =( sigh.... i do feel depress... i really kinda hope i would win... but alas... maybe i was jus not good enough.... but all's well that ends well... i got to keep tons of friends... whom i really love them all.... and got to build confidence in myself... i found myself a bit more after this competition and am now more focused and determine to start my own company... i'm still afraid of failure... but am trying to recover from it... heck i might jus join again next year to prove to myself that i can do it..... jus gotta learn how to pick myself up again..... now... gotta consetrate on uni stuff like studies.... the african day i'm organising and mamak nite as well... i jus thank God he helped me thru... i'll jus let things flow for now.... He'll have to be my guide.... thanks GOD... for EVERYTHING!!! love u lots!!!

mising u all lots too!!!
mandy