Myself

i think that the hardest part in life for me is just trying to be myself... i've always thought that i could find myself if i took some time off myself and even in these 2 years of being away... i still haven't found myself yet... like trying to stand on stills. i feel like i keep trying to balance out my life, to suit me, to tune it to the one that i feel i truly am... but the fact is.... it's hard to find my balance and i often find myself falling.. over n over again... i'm not contented, and very much unsettled. i reckon that the reason for all this is maybe jus maybe it's coz i refuse to accept how i'm created... what do i mean by this?.. i mean that u know how some ppl are jus strong and cool? well i'm totally not... im sensitive, cry easily, moved easily, hurt easily... that is who i am, this is how i was created... i keep trying to hide myself, hide my heart from the world from ppl b'cause i know it'll get hurt, and i keep trying not to get hurt. i put on a front that everything is ok, that i'm ok, that i'm strong.... i keep forgetting that God doesn't want us all perfect n fine, he wants us just as we are. the logic in our heads forces us to say that we're ok, that what we are goin thru is small, it has no impact at all... but not in our hearts... i'm not ok... i'm not fine! i'm broken, dissapointed, hurt, alone and hopeless... and it's ok to admit it to him, it's what he wants to know.... that i can't do this on my own, that i can't wait as long as he want me to... that i'm losing patience and my mind at the same time. that i need every ounce of strength from him. because i just simply can't, i'm not together and i'm not fine. And it's in this brokeness that i hope to find my true self... the child within me.

Dreams

Someone once said that if you wake up and the first thing u think about is the thing you were meant to be doing for the rest of your life...... i've always loved singing...a little dancing and maybe try my hands on acting.... but somehow i've never had the guts to pursue this dream of mine... i guess it's true what they say our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, it is our fear, fear that maybe we're more powerful than what we currently are and the fear that maybe if we are that great we might not be able to live up to that greatness.... i want to pursue my dream to sing, dance and just focus and working hard on doing these two the best i can... do i sound crazy? coz i think i am... everytime i see someone acheving my dream i kick myself.. knowing full well that i can be that yet afraid that maybe i'm not cut out to do what i love... and it's this that kills me little everyday... knowing what i love and want to do yet not being able to do the very thing i love.... i wonder sometimes to myself if i will ever get to do it... to achieve my dream and to finally fill that fulfillment that this is where i belong this is what i love.... and if this fear of myself will ever be overcome....

To Love or Not to love

Exactly when should we give up on loving someone? when that person doesn't love us anymore? when we know that there is no chance to be together? when exactly do it become from fighting for love to plain pathetic? is there a set definition? time? what? what helps us to know when should we pursue love and when to give it up? and what about loving secretly or from afar? is that so cute coz it's loyal? or plain dumb coz they don't give themselves a chance? why is it that when it comes to relationship there are no set rules yet we still expect rules? why is it that it is so grey yet we still play it like black and white? so many questions so little answers.. am i bound to nvr know the answers? sigh....

sitting here with a blank face and a blank heart
for the first time you've got me speechless with your actions
and suddenly my firm world just turned upside down
how could loving you bring so much pain
and wanting you beside me be more of a desperation than a wish
the touch of your hand on my skin and the warmth of your gentleness
two things that i crave for now
how would you ever know the need i have for your love
like a black hole, i've seem to lost all my sense of reasoning and will
And now sitting here in this cold room in need of air to breath
my dreams take me where reality can't
if only i can have you here then i might feel alive again.