Myself

i think that the hardest part in life for me is just trying to be myself... i've always thought that i could find myself if i took some time off myself and even in these 2 years of being away... i still haven't found myself yet... like trying to stand on stills. i feel like i keep trying to balance out my life, to suit me, to tune it to the one that i feel i truly am... but the fact is.... it's hard to find my balance and i often find myself falling.. over n over again... i'm not contented, and very much unsettled. i reckon that the reason for all this is maybe jus maybe it's coz i refuse to accept how i'm created... what do i mean by this?.. i mean that u know how some ppl are jus strong and cool? well i'm totally not... im sensitive, cry easily, moved easily, hurt easily... that is who i am, this is how i was created... i keep trying to hide myself, hide my heart from the world from ppl b'cause i know it'll get hurt, and i keep trying not to get hurt. i put on a front that everything is ok, that i'm ok, that i'm strong.... i keep forgetting that God doesn't want us all perfect n fine, he wants us just as we are. the logic in our heads forces us to say that we're ok, that what we are goin thru is small, it has no impact at all... but not in our hearts... i'm not ok... i'm not fine! i'm broken, dissapointed, hurt, alone and hopeless... and it's ok to admit it to him, it's what he wants to know.... that i can't do this on my own, that i can't wait as long as he want me to... that i'm losing patience and my mind at the same time. that i need every ounce of strength from him. because i just simply can't, i'm not together and i'm not fine. And it's in this brokeness that i hope to find my true self... the child within me.

Dreams

Someone once said that if you wake up and the first thing u think about is the thing you were meant to be doing for the rest of your life...... i've always loved singing...a little dancing and maybe try my hands on acting.... but somehow i've never had the guts to pursue this dream of mine... i guess it's true what they say our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, it is our fear, fear that maybe we're more powerful than what we currently are and the fear that maybe if we are that great we might not be able to live up to that greatness.... i want to pursue my dream to sing, dance and just focus and working hard on doing these two the best i can... do i sound crazy? coz i think i am... everytime i see someone acheving my dream i kick myself.. knowing full well that i can be that yet afraid that maybe i'm not cut out to do what i love... and it's this that kills me little everyday... knowing what i love and want to do yet not being able to do the very thing i love.... i wonder sometimes to myself if i will ever get to do it... to achieve my dream and to finally fill that fulfillment that this is where i belong this is what i love.... and if this fear of myself will ever be overcome....

To Love or Not to love

Exactly when should we give up on loving someone? when that person doesn't love us anymore? when we know that there is no chance to be together? when exactly do it become from fighting for love to plain pathetic? is there a set definition? time? what? what helps us to know when should we pursue love and when to give it up? and what about loving secretly or from afar? is that so cute coz it's loyal? or plain dumb coz they don't give themselves a chance? why is it that when it comes to relationship there are no set rules yet we still expect rules? why is it that it is so grey yet we still play it like black and white? so many questions so little answers.. am i bound to nvr know the answers? sigh....

sitting here with a blank face and a blank heart
for the first time you've got me speechless with your actions
and suddenly my firm world just turned upside down
how could loving you bring so much pain
and wanting you beside me be more of a desperation than a wish
the touch of your hand on my skin and the warmth of your gentleness
two things that i crave for now
how would you ever know the need i have for your love
like a black hole, i've seem to lost all my sense of reasoning and will
And now sitting here in this cold room in need of air to breath
my dreams take me where reality can't
if only i can have you here then i might feel alive again.

alienated

she feels alone, standing in the midst of a crowd, she still feels alone... nothing seems to fit, she doesn't seem to fit.. though she's in the midst of troubles, there seems to be no helping hand... there were only floating words, words around, words that are meaningless. there was no movement, for no one told her to move. there was no questions as everyone had everything else on their mind; shes slowly dying inside, sinking in a quick sand of sorrow and there are no veins, no helping hand no shoulder to lean on, no one to hug. everywhere she turned there was no where to run, no where to hide from her loneliness. theres only the chill wind now. which she will learn to be accustom to have we become so cold? have we become so heartless? where do we fit? are we meant to fit? how can we be so blind? she tires as the weight on her shoulders seems heavier and soon she will lay herself to sleep.. a bed of eternal rest where there will be no more but peace.

Man Vs Boys

There are man, and then there are boys... i just realize recently that different guys have different ways of showing how they like a girl... according to a source of mine.. there are those who will put down everyone around them when they are in front of the girl and there's the bully the girl kind.. but isn't that a bit childish? does this make them boys? or do man do the same? I'm not great with relationship and I've never experience this kind of 'bullying flirt'. but how do men go after women? how to boys go after girls? does it matter how they go after someone or the way they show their liking? i can't help but to think if there's a relation in all this. and if so... do i deserve a man or a boy? can boy become man in a relationship or must we allow them time to grow into man before dating them?

Moving forward and not looking back

i guess there are many times in which I'm tempted to look back, but when i really think about it... maybe it's best that the past is left as the past.... though sometimes my heart feels like it's left behind... i finally realise that i no matter what i'm determine to move forward... i've come too far to turn back again... i've finally found happiness and i'm not willing to go back again... i'm much too different to fit back into a box that i once left...

lead me to the cross

Focusing on God can never be an easy task as we grow up, with multiply commitments and expectations, it almost seem impossible to always focus on GOD... it's funny how God uses brokenness to get our attention to focus on him... and that's somehow the only way he gets my attention... it's a bad habit, i acknowledge it... he should get my attention more than just through brokenness and i'm working on that... sometimes i jus hate the world, how it distracts our attention always... sometimes i really wish i can jus be with him my whole life without being worried about assignments due and exams... but jus stay in the room, on my knees, in he's presence forever.. sounds lot like heaven but it has always been my secret wish, to have a secret place and have him bring me to my knees and jus be in love with him over and over again. be rid of myself, i belong to you... this line in the new song in hillsongs album, is one line i love, a totally abandonment of our own life, identity and will into a total state of surrender to HIM! the great and majestic creator of the universe.... have i told u how much i love him???? SO SO SO SO much... sometimes... my heart aches when i did not spend time with him... i love him SO MUCH...

i will tell u all something now.... it was a Sunday afternoon about 1.15pm... i was about to have an audition for my Aussie's church (Zion) search for a star. and being the zionolympics the morning before this Sunday, i shouted so much... I've actually lost my voice... major sore throat...i hardly spoke the whole morning much a less attempt to sing... needless to say i was upset, can't believe that this one chance i finally get to do the thing my heart really wants to but never found the courage to do about to just go down the drain. and it was in this moment of desperation that i called for my other friends who was doing this item with me to pray... it was just the two of us... a PK and a missionary kid. she was warming up for her dance while we talked about how God places in our hearts for the creative ministry and how he kept us from being prideful with our gifts. and then we started to pray.. at first.. i already knew something was up with the spirit but i didn't say anything, i thought that it will just go away.... but it didn't and as we prayed more... the spirit was heavier and more real... my heart began to ached and it was like a burden was placed upon it... i started to cry... mourning but without a sound and taking deep breathes whenever i could before crying n mourning again.... i have n idea what was happening but the spirit was so real and he was so there... it was like a comfort, like a piece of God's heart entering mine... like a union of hearts, to understand He's heart and how he feels and sees and perceives and understands us. and i suddenly understand the inspiration behind the song beautiful. i could feel the pain of all woman's heart not feeling beautiful and the love God pours out to let us know that no matter how much we chance on the inside or out, we're his forever and than when the king of kings says that we are timeless beauty's who never changes but only grows more and more beautiful, he really means it. its no more an hypothesis, it's a fact, a truth that most if not all girls in this world have no idea of. i can't begin to explain how much pain God has in he's heart when he sees us not believing that we are beautiful. and i will admit that I'm one of them... i never believe that I'm beautiful and till this moment i have to admit, there is still doubt about that fact... but u know what? i will continue to pray that he'll help me believe coz no matter what the world says or do.... he is the one i want to believe in more than anything.