lead me to the cross

Focusing on God can never be an easy task as we grow up, with multiply commitments and expectations, it almost seem impossible to always focus on GOD... it's funny how God uses brokenness to get our attention to focus on him... and that's somehow the only way he gets my attention... it's a bad habit, i acknowledge it... he should get my attention more than just through brokenness and i'm working on that... sometimes i jus hate the world, how it distracts our attention always... sometimes i really wish i can jus be with him my whole life without being worried about assignments due and exams... but jus stay in the room, on my knees, in he's presence forever.. sounds lot like heaven but it has always been my secret wish, to have a secret place and have him bring me to my knees and jus be in love with him over and over again. be rid of myself, i belong to you... this line in the new song in hillsongs album, is one line i love, a totally abandonment of our own life, identity and will into a total state of surrender to HIM! the great and majestic creator of the universe.... have i told u how much i love him???? SO SO SO SO much... sometimes... my heart aches when i did not spend time with him... i love him SO MUCH...

i will tell u all something now.... it was a Sunday afternoon about 1.15pm... i was about to have an audition for my Aussie's church (Zion) search for a star. and being the zionolympics the morning before this Sunday, i shouted so much... I've actually lost my voice... major sore throat...i hardly spoke the whole morning much a less attempt to sing... needless to say i was upset, can't believe that this one chance i finally get to do the thing my heart really wants to but never found the courage to do about to just go down the drain. and it was in this moment of desperation that i called for my other friends who was doing this item with me to pray... it was just the two of us... a PK and a missionary kid. she was warming up for her dance while we talked about how God places in our hearts for the creative ministry and how he kept us from being prideful with our gifts. and then we started to pray.. at first.. i already knew something was up with the spirit but i didn't say anything, i thought that it will just go away.... but it didn't and as we prayed more... the spirit was heavier and more real... my heart began to ached and it was like a burden was placed upon it... i started to cry... mourning but without a sound and taking deep breathes whenever i could before crying n mourning again.... i have n idea what was happening but the spirit was so real and he was so there... it was like a comfort, like a piece of God's heart entering mine... like a union of hearts, to understand He's heart and how he feels and sees and perceives and understands us. and i suddenly understand the inspiration behind the song beautiful. i could feel the pain of all woman's heart not feeling beautiful and the love God pours out to let us know that no matter how much we chance on the inside or out, we're his forever and than when the king of kings says that we are timeless beauty's who never changes but only grows more and more beautiful, he really means it. its no more an hypothesis, it's a fact, a truth that most if not all girls in this world have no idea of. i can't begin to explain how much pain God has in he's heart when he sees us not believing that we are beautiful. and i will admit that I'm one of them... i never believe that I'm beautiful and till this moment i have to admit, there is still doubt about that fact... but u know what? i will continue to pray that he'll help me believe coz no matter what the world says or do.... he is the one i want to believe in more than anything.

The reason

Hey you ever stray?? have u ever forgotten the very first reason you do something??

Well... i have...
After 22 years of almost being single (except for one month and a couple of days..) i actually forgotten the main reason i stayed single! ironic isn't it how sometimes we do things so casually till we actually forgot the very reason we did it in the first place and let it slip into a routine or an obligation and not out of will... hehehe but after all this talking with a great friend of mine, i've finally realise and was reminded of the reason i choose to wait for my hubby in the beginning. hehehehe.. now, i know some of you will be thinking after reading this that i'm crazy and so totally not in my right mind, but i tell you i've never been more right in my mind than i have now...
i'm not perfect... and the guy i would dream of being with me will not be perfect either.. BUT
the main reason i stayed single for all these years was so i would be able to wait for him. to guard my heart and not give apart of me away to everyone i liked before he comes. if there is one thing that i'm sure of is that one day when we're together, maybe before we say our vows or after or engagement party or even the morning after our wedding, i will look over by my side and look him the eye and tell him how amazing he is and how i still can't believe that he's with me. my future hubby, i know wat kind of person he is, he is a humble teachable person, someone who is understanable yet will stand firm on what he believes in, he will have a heart for people and a passion to see people grow closer to God, he's Funny, gentle, caring, observant, sensitive to peoples needs and most importantly, a man after God's own heart. how i know this?i just know that God has kept him aside for me... of course like all relationship, i know we'll argue, get angry at each other and disagree on things... but one thing will be certain, and that is he'll always love me and we will always work things out...
now how can you settle for anything less after you know this is who's waiting for you at the end?
i know i can't... and its knowin and believing that God has set aside such a great and amazing guy that makes all others pale in comparison... i am sad, sad that i stray and that i actually forgotten about my hubby and how amazing he is... i'm so sorry hubby... i really am... i will not forget you anymore... wherever you are... and i hope that one day when we're together, you get to read this and know how much i love you... even before i met you, i'm already in love with you!!!

Death

death has no seasons neither does it recognises people.... it'll jus decides on whom to take away and when regardless of their identity, if they were good or bad, health or not hardworking or lazy... neither does it know times if it's on their birthday or christmas or someone close having an assignment due... it chooses whomever and whenever it wants to....death has no smell or taste and no one can forsee it coming... and thats the nature of death, something that we must all accept. the only comfort we have is that we have Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to mourn and comfort us in these times... and that we learn to praise through all our circumstances. i guess it'll never be easy... it's never easy to let go of someone you love. and it's never easy for a friend to see a friend losing someone they love... and so i will continue to pray and be beside u through this time, crying, praying and standing strong by your side. Not because i have to but because i want to... so here's to you my friend, jus to let u know.. i'll always be here for u.