ORANGE

it's been so long since i've updated my blog... not very much of a blogger as you can see... but i have in my heart today to write something. Change is on it's way and as autumn is known for a season change marked by it's orange color like... orange is also known to be a color of change... and now i'm marked orange for this very season. letting go i reckon is not an easy task and to be left alone... i've been too dependent to be independent... and my only reflex right now is to run away from this pain of letting go.... adapting to change has never been my strength, and i dun think it ever will.... how will i go through this LORD? how will you ever fill this gap within me? the need and longing for mortal love, for a physical refuge, a shelter? yet i've made a promise and its that whereever you call i will go... and though i dunno how i'll get there, and what lays ahead... i will keep my promise and i will walk ahead, though it hurts me.... i know everything is in your hands.... i am weak lord, but you are strong... and because of this... i will depend on you for my survival. Be my hope, be my GOD be my life.... "for yet not my will, but yours be done" i surrender wholly unto you LORD.

Myself

i think that the hardest part in life for me is just trying to be myself... i've always thought that i could find myself if i took some time off myself and even in these 2 years of being away... i still haven't found myself yet... like trying to stand on stills. i feel like i keep trying to balance out my life, to suit me, to tune it to the one that i feel i truly am... but the fact is.... it's hard to find my balance and i often find myself falling.. over n over again... i'm not contented, and very much unsettled. i reckon that the reason for all this is maybe jus maybe it's coz i refuse to accept how i'm created... what do i mean by this?.. i mean that u know how some ppl are jus strong and cool? well i'm totally not... im sensitive, cry easily, moved easily, hurt easily... that is who i am, this is how i was created... i keep trying to hide myself, hide my heart from the world from ppl b'cause i know it'll get hurt, and i keep trying not to get hurt. i put on a front that everything is ok, that i'm ok, that i'm strong.... i keep forgetting that God doesn't want us all perfect n fine, he wants us just as we are. the logic in our heads forces us to say that we're ok, that what we are goin thru is small, it has no impact at all... but not in our hearts... i'm not ok... i'm not fine! i'm broken, dissapointed, hurt, alone and hopeless... and it's ok to admit it to him, it's what he wants to know.... that i can't do this on my own, that i can't wait as long as he want me to... that i'm losing patience and my mind at the same time. that i need every ounce of strength from him. because i just simply can't, i'm not together and i'm not fine. And it's in this brokeness that i hope to find my true self... the child within me.

Dreams

Someone once said that if you wake up and the first thing u think about is the thing you were meant to be doing for the rest of your life...... i've always loved singing...a little dancing and maybe try my hands on acting.... but somehow i've never had the guts to pursue this dream of mine... i guess it's true what they say our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, it is our fear, fear that maybe we're more powerful than what we currently are and the fear that maybe if we are that great we might not be able to live up to that greatness.... i want to pursue my dream to sing, dance and just focus and working hard on doing these two the best i can... do i sound crazy? coz i think i am... everytime i see someone acheving my dream i kick myself.. knowing full well that i can be that yet afraid that maybe i'm not cut out to do what i love... and it's this that kills me little everyday... knowing what i love and want to do yet not being able to do the very thing i love.... i wonder sometimes to myself if i will ever get to do it... to achieve my dream and to finally fill that fulfillment that this is where i belong this is what i love.... and if this fear of myself will ever be overcome....

To Love or Not to love

Exactly when should we give up on loving someone? when that person doesn't love us anymore? when we know that there is no chance to be together? when exactly do it become from fighting for love to plain pathetic? is there a set definition? time? what? what helps us to know when should we pursue love and when to give it up? and what about loving secretly or from afar? is that so cute coz it's loyal? or plain dumb coz they don't give themselves a chance? why is it that when it comes to relationship there are no set rules yet we still expect rules? why is it that it is so grey yet we still play it like black and white? so many questions so little answers.. am i bound to nvr know the answers? sigh....

sitting here with a blank face and a blank heart
for the first time you've got me speechless with your actions
and suddenly my firm world just turned upside down
how could loving you bring so much pain
and wanting you beside me be more of a desperation than a wish
the touch of your hand on my skin and the warmth of your gentleness
two things that i crave for now
how would you ever know the need i have for your love
like a black hole, i've seem to lost all my sense of reasoning and will
And now sitting here in this cold room in need of air to breath
my dreams take me where reality can't
if only i can have you here then i might feel alive again.

alienated

she feels alone, standing in the midst of a crowd, she still feels alone... nothing seems to fit, she doesn't seem to fit.. though she's in the midst of troubles, there seems to be no helping hand... there were only floating words, words around, words that are meaningless. there was no movement, for no one told her to move. there was no questions as everyone had everything else on their mind; shes slowly dying inside, sinking in a quick sand of sorrow and there are no veins, no helping hand no shoulder to lean on, no one to hug. everywhere she turned there was no where to run, no where to hide from her loneliness. theres only the chill wind now. which she will learn to be accustom to have we become so cold? have we become so heartless? where do we fit? are we meant to fit? how can we be so blind? she tires as the weight on her shoulders seems heavier and soon she will lay herself to sleep.. a bed of eternal rest where there will be no more but peace.

Man Vs Boys

There are man, and then there are boys... i just realize recently that different guys have different ways of showing how they like a girl... according to a source of mine.. there are those who will put down everyone around them when they are in front of the girl and there's the bully the girl kind.. but isn't that a bit childish? does this make them boys? or do man do the same? I'm not great with relationship and I've never experience this kind of 'bullying flirt'. but how do men go after women? how to boys go after girls? does it matter how they go after someone or the way they show their liking? i can't help but to think if there's a relation in all this. and if so... do i deserve a man or a boy? can boy become man in a relationship or must we allow them time to grow into man before dating them?

Moving forward and not looking back

i guess there are many times in which I'm tempted to look back, but when i really think about it... maybe it's best that the past is left as the past.... though sometimes my heart feels like it's left behind... i finally realise that i no matter what i'm determine to move forward... i've come too far to turn back again... i've finally found happiness and i'm not willing to go back again... i'm much too different to fit back into a box that i once left...

lead me to the cross

Focusing on God can never be an easy task as we grow up, with multiply commitments and expectations, it almost seem impossible to always focus on GOD... it's funny how God uses brokenness to get our attention to focus on him... and that's somehow the only way he gets my attention... it's a bad habit, i acknowledge it... he should get my attention more than just through brokenness and i'm working on that... sometimes i jus hate the world, how it distracts our attention always... sometimes i really wish i can jus be with him my whole life without being worried about assignments due and exams... but jus stay in the room, on my knees, in he's presence forever.. sounds lot like heaven but it has always been my secret wish, to have a secret place and have him bring me to my knees and jus be in love with him over and over again. be rid of myself, i belong to you... this line in the new song in hillsongs album, is one line i love, a totally abandonment of our own life, identity and will into a total state of surrender to HIM! the great and majestic creator of the universe.... have i told u how much i love him???? SO SO SO SO much... sometimes... my heart aches when i did not spend time with him... i love him SO MUCH...

i will tell u all something now.... it was a Sunday afternoon about 1.15pm... i was about to have an audition for my Aussie's church (Zion) search for a star. and being the zionolympics the morning before this Sunday, i shouted so much... I've actually lost my voice... major sore throat...i hardly spoke the whole morning much a less attempt to sing... needless to say i was upset, can't believe that this one chance i finally get to do the thing my heart really wants to but never found the courage to do about to just go down the drain. and it was in this moment of desperation that i called for my other friends who was doing this item with me to pray... it was just the two of us... a PK and a missionary kid. she was warming up for her dance while we talked about how God places in our hearts for the creative ministry and how he kept us from being prideful with our gifts. and then we started to pray.. at first.. i already knew something was up with the spirit but i didn't say anything, i thought that it will just go away.... but it didn't and as we prayed more... the spirit was heavier and more real... my heart began to ached and it was like a burden was placed upon it... i started to cry... mourning but without a sound and taking deep breathes whenever i could before crying n mourning again.... i have n idea what was happening but the spirit was so real and he was so there... it was like a comfort, like a piece of God's heart entering mine... like a union of hearts, to understand He's heart and how he feels and sees and perceives and understands us. and i suddenly understand the inspiration behind the song beautiful. i could feel the pain of all woman's heart not feeling beautiful and the love God pours out to let us know that no matter how much we chance on the inside or out, we're his forever and than when the king of kings says that we are timeless beauty's who never changes but only grows more and more beautiful, he really means it. its no more an hypothesis, it's a fact, a truth that most if not all girls in this world have no idea of. i can't begin to explain how much pain God has in he's heart when he sees us not believing that we are beautiful. and i will admit that I'm one of them... i never believe that I'm beautiful and till this moment i have to admit, there is still doubt about that fact... but u know what? i will continue to pray that he'll help me believe coz no matter what the world says or do.... he is the one i want to believe in more than anything.

The reason

Hey you ever stray?? have u ever forgotten the very first reason you do something??

Well... i have...
After 22 years of almost being single (except for one month and a couple of days..) i actually forgotten the main reason i stayed single! ironic isn't it how sometimes we do things so casually till we actually forgot the very reason we did it in the first place and let it slip into a routine or an obligation and not out of will... hehehe but after all this talking with a great friend of mine, i've finally realise and was reminded of the reason i choose to wait for my hubby in the beginning. hehehehe.. now, i know some of you will be thinking after reading this that i'm crazy and so totally not in my right mind, but i tell you i've never been more right in my mind than i have now...
i'm not perfect... and the guy i would dream of being with me will not be perfect either.. BUT
the main reason i stayed single for all these years was so i would be able to wait for him. to guard my heart and not give apart of me away to everyone i liked before he comes. if there is one thing that i'm sure of is that one day when we're together, maybe before we say our vows or after or engagement party or even the morning after our wedding, i will look over by my side and look him the eye and tell him how amazing he is and how i still can't believe that he's with me. my future hubby, i know wat kind of person he is, he is a humble teachable person, someone who is understanable yet will stand firm on what he believes in, he will have a heart for people and a passion to see people grow closer to God, he's Funny, gentle, caring, observant, sensitive to peoples needs and most importantly, a man after God's own heart. how i know this?i just know that God has kept him aside for me... of course like all relationship, i know we'll argue, get angry at each other and disagree on things... but one thing will be certain, and that is he'll always love me and we will always work things out...
now how can you settle for anything less after you know this is who's waiting for you at the end?
i know i can't... and its knowin and believing that God has set aside such a great and amazing guy that makes all others pale in comparison... i am sad, sad that i stray and that i actually forgotten about my hubby and how amazing he is... i'm so sorry hubby... i really am... i will not forget you anymore... wherever you are... and i hope that one day when we're together, you get to read this and know how much i love you... even before i met you, i'm already in love with you!!!

Death

death has no seasons neither does it recognises people.... it'll jus decides on whom to take away and when regardless of their identity, if they were good or bad, health or not hardworking or lazy... neither does it know times if it's on their birthday or christmas or someone close having an assignment due... it chooses whomever and whenever it wants to....death has no smell or taste and no one can forsee it coming... and thats the nature of death, something that we must all accept. the only comfort we have is that we have Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to mourn and comfort us in these times... and that we learn to praise through all our circumstances. i guess it'll never be easy... it's never easy to let go of someone you love. and it's never easy for a friend to see a friend losing someone they love... and so i will continue to pray and be beside u through this time, crying, praying and standing strong by your side. Not because i have to but because i want to... so here's to you my friend, jus to let u know.. i'll always be here for u.

HAPPY 22 to me!!!

So on my 22nd burfday... wat did i do?? hehehe i jus sleep the whole day!!! hehehe... really... it was a day full of rest and relaxation and i'm totally loving it!!! love all my friends for all the wishes!!! i really miss u all lots!!! and thank you so much for all my perth friends who surprised me over and over again... life would be so boring here in perth without any of u in my life... thank you!!! and of course... my family!!! love u all so much!!!! i'm so blessed to have u all in my life.... thanks for the great beautiful burfday.... really THANK YOU!!!!

My BurfDay Card from malaysia from my family arrived a few days earlier.. but i love iT!


Even my bro wrote in it!!! missing u all so much!!!


One of our silly poses after 12 midnite... love u all so much!!!!

She insisted on 22 candles on the small cake... it was so CUTE!!!

Amanda's surprise cake for me... it was so small and cute!!!

Amanda's Gift for me!!! I LUV IT!!!

Chirag's Gift!!! SO NICE RIGHT?? i love it!!!

The cake that niken, chirag, wey yiing n cheryl surprise me with... hehehe... niken was hillirious!! it's a Honey Comb mudcake... NICE!

Cell Group surprise me with this beautiful cake!
look so winter wonderland... LOVE IT!!

My Responsibility

For years, as i search for love, i've always felt that it was the guys responsibility to look after the girls heart, to not give false hope that wat they have is forever, however, it's only lately i've realise that it's not only the guys responsibility to guard the girls heart, it's also my own responsiblity to not expect anything and to be ready to accept that wat is goin on now might not last forever, yes guys do play a role, that they should not say things they don't really mean, or dun really know, but it's also my responsibility to not expect anything from them. to not want something to happen, and hope that it'll last forever. though it's definately not something that i personally can do. the not expecting that he is the one i'll spent my whole life with, i should learn to be contented at where we're at and to just let things slowly happen, instead of rushing things coz i know that it might end. guess i really got to learn to jus let the things that are not meant to happen to go. hopefully... i will be able to do it...

What Amanda Leong Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

WHY???

Sigh... been sleeping with my bible beside me... it's not a bad thing but the reason it is beside me leaves me to ponder what's goin on with me.... i pray hard every night now.... things goin through my mind have the capability of driving me insane... not to mention the emtional tug of my heart... that's another issue to deal with... and that's why my bible is beside me.. i'm hoping to find answers... all the answers in my heart that i'm silently questioning... and it's engulfing me.... really want to talk to GOD directly... wonder if he'll answer all my questions or do i have to wait... i hate waiting... been doin that for 22 years..... one really can get tired of waiting... especially if out of 22 years 20 years was under good behavior yet i question my blessing.... n the only thing my heart wants.... he refuse to give it to me.... it's a thorn in my side... then again... i should get used to it by now... it has always been a thorn at my side.. for freaking 22 years... i've waited... do u hear me LORD? can u see this breaking heart that is about to give up hope? won't show me compassion n pity on me? 22 years... have i not been obedient? Pls LORD... jus show me the answer... jus one answer....

When Will it come to past

Throw away my walls and let's see what we got
A broken girl with broken dreams longing for hope
wipe my smile and look into my eyes
the tears that i cry everynight
when will i learn to grow up
To be among my peers and not above them
stop trying to act like someone who doesn't understand
when all i see is a reflection of myself
how will i start to voice out my thoughts
to start acting like a human being who breaks and cries once in a while
has everything that's happened around me turn me into stone?
am i a living porcelin doll that's hallow inside
i try to search myself over and over again
yet i find no heart
not a single beat that tells me i'm alive
what is this that i'm feeling
could it be death in another form
to live yet die inside?
all i want is to breath
to be alive with hopes and dreams again

Falling into confusion

OK! so FINE !!! i have a crush.... hm... but i feel so confused and so irratated.... i dun understand... why the frustration??? it doesn't make sense... like or dun like... then why do me, myself and i feel so frustrated that i like someone... hm.... it's jus so me... liking someone, chickening out of it and most likely totally ignore that person till this feeling is gone.... am i that insecure? or i'm just scare of committment??? seems like there might be more than this....always giving hot n cold signals... that'll be me... really.. first time i feel like i'm falling into confusion... nvm.... it's jus a crush... lets see how long it will last... but then again.. this frustration??? hm... i need a cold shower now... maybe i'll feel better after that!!!!

A friendship that teaches

As people often say that it's quite hard to have a close friend which is the opposite sex unless there are things about that person that u don't like and vice versa.... in the past year i've made a friend... and this friendship though at times like all friendships faces problems it is still going strong. i want to tell you guys bout how much i really appreciate this friendship and how much it taught me as a person. in this past year this friendship have taught me trust. trust that a person will not harm me, turst that a person will keep his/her promises, trust that whatever that person say is true, trust in the things that they do not tell. trust in the things they do tell and trust that whenever they want to tell they will tell.. but i must admit that this trust is hard. it's hard to not doubt a person when you are so far from them, it's hard to believe in the things that they do not tell hard to not doubt their abilities to be honest with you.. but i learnt to slowly trust.. another thing this friend has taught me is understanding. to understand a persons needs that are different from yours, a persons dreams that are different, a persons pespective that is different, a person as a whole that is different... i learn to be tolerent in understanding and to not demand so much that which a person cannot fulfill... no one can be there everytime you need them.... they are not God, they are only human... and even we ourselves can never always be there for somebody coz bad things come unexpectedly and no one can truly know when they are coming in order to prepare the other person about it..... and so i learn... but these lessons are not easy and i'm still trying to learn them and to apply them fully in my life.... but i'm really truly grateful its because of this friendship that i'm learning and i thank God for this everyday... thank you friend

The PAst

There are things in life that one will not easily forget..... a memorable memory be it sad or happy... today.. as i went out with a friend... i was reminded of one such event... a moment in my life where from that time onwards i started to grew up to become who i am today.... i must admit that this moment it my life was full of happiness in the beginning and it ended very bitter and sad... but it was that such a moment that i will never forget.... it's really been a long time since the last time i thought about it.... till today... but the past is the past and though i will admit that it still brings me much joy and pain whenever i think about it.... i have finally move on and looked into what the future brings forth for me... 2007 was a year of trials... the end of a 2 year mourning period and now 2008 marks a new beginning for me... i've cried my last and learnt from the past and now i'm ready to learn more about myself and to be confident and stand firm on my principals and belief.... i cannot change the past neither do i regreat the decisions i make because i realise that it was through those decisions i made that have shaped me into who and what i am today.... do i still think about the people that was in that memorable past event? i have to admit that it has been less to none.... bout i'm still afraid to face them.... sometimes the greatest fear i have is facing my past... this is something that i will still have to slowly learn.... what is done is done... and we only have to move on.... i'm finally contented....

one more to go!!!!

okok..... last paper to go... i have no idea if i can pass anot but who cares? all has been done and said... and now only can wait.... sigh... hopefully i can make it this time..... so after last paper goin melbourne.... for holiday and also to work la... goin to see my high skool friends which i miss so much... though i also miss my friends in m'sia SUPER LOT!!!!! sigh.... hold on hold on.... soon soon.... missing duckie so much ler.... hehehe and schnoodle too!!!!! okla... back to study wei! i can do it... one more only one more!!! gambateh!!!!

destress ah destress ah

need to destress... ok ok get a grip.... i can do it!!! i can do it!!!! in a certain point of time... u know u're stress when even in ur dreams u are dreaming of things that is of no factual reason but lots of bull period! heehehehe... we were so stress idreamt about trying to take an lrt with my sister to sunway piramid (dun ask me why) and my other friends dreamt bout getting beat up but the natives here.... hehehehe... signs of stress... not to mention if my books could talk they will be yelling at me for flipping them too much..... two papers are down got 2 more to go one's tmr morning... how am i ever gonna wake up for tmr is a miracle.... but i really dun not wish to retake that subject.... can't believe that ever since i've been here i've never drink more redbull or coffee in my entire life than now.... hehehehe.... i can't wait to go home... really miss everyone back home and want to see them so much... not to mention my baby doggie at home too... heard so much about it from my mum.... really want to see him again..... sigh... still have another year to go.... wish i can shortcut..... sigh.... okla.... dun wan to bored u guys liao... besides.... i hear my books calling me..... time for round two.... *ting*! back into the boxing ring with my books... need to battle with it to understand.... hehehe.... ciao ppl!!!!