finding my feet

ORANGE

2010-01-20T06:57:00.001-08:00

it's been so long since i've updated my blog... not very much of a blogger as you can see... but i have in my heart today to write something. Change is on it's way and as autumn is known for a season change marked by it's orange color like... orange is also known to be a color of change... and now i'm marked orange for this very season. letting go i reckon is not an easy task and to be left alone... i've been too dependent to be independent... and my only reflex right now is to run away from this pain of letting go.... adapting to change has never been my strength, and i dun think it ever will.... how will i go through this LORD? how will you ever fill this gap within me? the need and longing for mortal love, for a physical refuge, a shelter? yet i've made a promise and its that whereever you call i will go... and though i dunno how i'll get there, and what lays ahead... i will keep my promise and i will walk ahead, though it hurts me.... i know everything is in your hands.... i am weak lord, but you are strong... and because of this... i will depend on you for my survival. Be my hope, be my GOD be my life.... "for yet not my will, but yours be done" i surrender wholly unto you LORD.

Myself

2009-04-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

i think that the hardest part in life for me is just trying to be myself... i've always thought that i could find myself if i took some time off myself and even in these 2 years of being away... i still haven't found myself yet... like trying to stand on stills. i feel like i keep trying to balance out my life, to suit me, to tune it to the one that i feel i truly am... but the fact is.... it's hard to find my balance and i often find myself falling.. over n over again... i'm not contented, and very much unsettled. i reckon that the reason for all this is maybe jus maybe it's coz i refuse to accept how i'm created... what do i mean by this?.. i mean that u know how some ppl are jus strong and cool? well i'm totally not... im sensitive, cry easily, moved easily, hurt easily... that is who i am, this is how i was created... i keep trying to hide myself, hide my heart from the world from ppl b'cause i know it'll get hurt, and i keep trying not to get hurt. i put on a front that everything is ok, that i'm ok, that i'm strong.... i keep forgetting that God doesn't want us all perfect n fine, he wants us just as we are. the logic in our heads forces us to say that we're ok, that what we are goin thru is small, it has no impact at all... but not in our hearts... i'm not ok... i'm not fine! i'm broken, dissapointed, hurt, alone and hopeless... and it's ok to admit it to him, it's what he wants to know.... that i can't do this on my own, that i can't wait as long as he want me to... that i'm losing patience and my mind at the same time. that i need every ounce of strength from him. because i just simply can't, i'm not together and i'm not fine. And it's in this brokeness that i hope to find my true self... the child within me.

Dreams

2009-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

Someone once said that if you wake up and the first thing u think about is the thing you were meant to be doing for the rest of your life...... i've always loved singing...a little dancing and maybe try my hands on acting.... but somehow i've never had the guts to pursue this dream of mine... i guess it's true what they say our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves, it is our fear, fear that maybe we're more powerful than what we currently are and the fear that maybe if we are that great we might not be able to live up to that greatness.... i want to pursue my dream to sing, dance and just focus and working hard on doing these two the best i can... do i sound crazy? coz i think i am... everytime i see someone acheving my dream i kick myself.. knowing full well that i can be that yet afraid that maybe i'm not cut out to do what i love... and it's this that kills me little everyday... knowing what i love and want to do yet not being able to do the very thing i love.... i wonder sometimes to myself if i will ever get to do it... to achieve my dream and to finally fill that fulfillment that this is where i belong this is what i love.... and if this fear of myself will ever be overcome....

To Love or Not to love

2009-01-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

Exactly when should we give up on loving someone? when that person doesn't love us anymore? when we know that there is no chance to be together? when exactly do it become from fighting for love to plain pathetic? is there a set definition? time? what? what helps us to know when should we pursue love and when to give it up? and what about loving secretly or from afar? is that so cute coz it's loyal? or plain dumb coz they don't give themselves a chance? why is it that when it comes to relationship there are no set rules yet we still expect rules? why is it that it is so grey yet we still play it like black and white? so many questions so little answers.. am i bound to nvr know the answers? sigh....

sitting here with a blank face and a blank heart
for the first time you've got me speechless with your actions
and suddenly my firm world just turned upside down
how could loving you bring so much pain
and wanting you beside me be more of a desperation than a wish
the touch of your hand on my skin and the warmth of your gentleness
two things that i crave for now
how would you ever know the need i have for your love
like a black hole, i've seem to lost all my sense of reasoning and will
And now sitting here in this cold room in need of air to breath
my dreams take me where reality can't
if only i can have you here then i might feel alive again.

alienated

2008-12-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

she feels alone, standing in the midst of a crowd, she still feels alone... nothing seems to fit, she doesn't seem to fit.. though she's in the midst of troubles, there seems to be no helping hand... there were only floating words, words around, words that are meaningless. there was no movement, for no one told her to move. there was no questions as everyone had everything else on their mind; shes slowly dying inside, sinking in a quick sand of sorrow and there are no veins, no helping hand no shoulder to lean on, no one to hug. everywhere she turned there was no where to run, no where to hide from her loneliness. theres only the chill wind now. which she will learn to be accustom to have we become so cold? have we become so heartless? where do we fit? are we meant to fit? how can we be so blind? she tires as the weight on her shoulders seems heavier and soon she will lay herself to sleep.. a bed of eternal rest where there will be no more but peace.

Man Vs Boys

2008-11-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

There are man, and then there are boys... i just realize recently that different guys have different ways of showing how they like a girl... according to a source of mine.. there are those who will put down everyone around them when they are in front of the girl and there's the bully the girl kind.. but isn't that a bit childish? does this make them boys? or do man do the same? I'm not great with relationship and I've never experience this kind of 'bullying flirt'. but how do men go after women? how to boys go after girls? does it matter how they go after someone or the way they show their liking? i can't help but to think if there's a relation in all this. and if so... do i deserve a man or a boy? can boy become man in a relationship or must we allow them time to grow into man before dating them?

Moving forward and not looking back

2008-11-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

i guess there are many times in which I'm tempted to look back, but when i really think about it... maybe it's best that the past is left as the past.... though sometimes my heart feels like it's left behind... i finally realise that i no matter what i'm determine to move forward... i've come too far to turn back again... i've finally found happiness and i'm not willing to go back again... i'm much too different to fit back into a box that i once left...

lead me to the cross

2008-08-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Focusing on God can never be an easy task as we grow up, with multiply commitments and expectations, it almost seem impossible to always focus on GOD... it's funny how God uses brokenness to get our attention to focus on him... and that's somehow the only way he gets my attention... it's a bad habit, i acknowledge it... he should get my attention more than just through brokenness and i'm working on that... sometimes i jus hate the world, how it distracts our attention always... sometimes i really wish i can jus be with him my whole life without being worried about assignments due and exams... but jus stay in the room, on my knees, in he's presence forever.. sounds lot like heaven but it has always been my secret wish, to have a secret place and have him bring me to my knees and jus be in love with him over and over again. be rid of myself, i belong to you... this line in the new song in hillsongs album, is one line i love, a totally abandonment of our own life, identity and will into a total state of surrender to HIM! the great and majestic creator of the universe.... have i told u how much i love him???? SO SO SO SO much... sometimes... my heart aches when i did not spend time with him... i love him SO MUCH...

i will tell u all something now.... it was a Sunday afternoon about 1.15pm... i was about to have an audition for my Aussie's church (Zion) search for a star. and being the zionolympics the morning before this Sunday, i shouted so much... I've actually lost my voice... major sore throat...i hardly spoke the whole morning much a less attempt to sing... needless to say i was upset, can't believe that this one chance i finally get to do the thing my heart really wants to but never found the courage to do about to just go down the drain. and it was in this moment of desperation that i called for my other friends who was doing this item with me to pray... it was just the two of us... a PK and a missionary kid. she was warming up for her dance while we talked about how God places in our hearts for the creative ministry and how he kept us from being prideful with our gifts. and then we started to pray.. at first.. i already knew something was up with the spirit but i didn't say anything, i thought that it will just go away.... but it didn't and as we prayed more... the spirit was heavier and more real... my heart began to ached and it was like a burden was placed upon it... i started to cry... mourning but without a sound and taking deep breathes whenever i could before crying n mourning again.... i have n idea what was happening but the spirit was so real and he was so there... it was like a comfort, like a piece of God's heart entering mine... like a union of hearts, to understand He's heart and how he feels and sees and perceives and understands us. and i suddenly understand the inspiration behind the song beautiful. i could feel the pain of all woman's heart not feeling beautiful and the love God pours out to let us know that no matter how much we chance on the inside or out, we're his forever and than when the king of kings says that we are timeless beauty's who never changes but only grows more and more beautiful, he really means it. its no more an hypothesis, it's a fact, a truth that most if not all girls in this world have no idea of. i can't begin to explain how much pain God has in he's heart when he sees us not believing that we are beautiful. and i will admit that I'm one of them... i never believe that I'm beautiful and till this moment i have to admit, there is still doubt about that fact... but u know what? i will continue to pray that he'll help me believe coz no matter what the world says or do.... he is the one i want to believe in more than anything.

The reason

2008-08-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

Hey you ever stray?? have u ever forgotten the very first reason you do something??

Well... i have...
After 22 years of almost being single (except for one month and a couple of days..) i actually forgotten the main reason i stayed single! ironic isn't it how sometimes we do things so casually till we actually forgot the very reason we did it in the first place and let it slip into a routine or an obligation and not out of will... hehehe but after all this talking with a great friend of mine, i've finally realise and was reminded of the reason i choose to wait for my hubby in the beginning. hehehehe.. now, i know some of you will be thinking after reading this that i'm crazy and so totally not in my right mind, but i tell you i've never been more right in my mind than i have now...
i'm not perfect... and the guy i would dream of being with me will not be perfect either.. BUT
the main reason i stayed single for all these years was so i would be able to wait for him. to guard my heart and not give apart of me away to everyone i liked before he comes. if there is one thing that i'm sure of is that one day when we're together, maybe before we say our vows or after or engagement party or even the morning after our wedding, i will look over by my side and look him the eye and tell him how amazing he is and how i still can't believe that he's with me. my future hubby, i know wat kind of person he is, he is a humble teachable person, someone who is understanable yet will stand firm on what he believes in, he will have a heart for people and a passion to see people grow closer to God, he's Funny, gentle, caring, observant, sensitive to peoples needs and most importantly, a man after God's own heart. how i know this?i just know that God has kept him aside for me... of course like all relationship, i know we'll argue, get angry at each other and disagree on things... but one thing will be certain, and that is he'll always love me and we will always work things out...
now how can you settle for anything less after you know this is who's waiting for you at the end?
i know i can't... and its knowin and believing that God has set aside such a great and amazing guy that makes all others pale in comparison... i am sad, sad that i stray and that i actually forgotten about my hubby and how amazing he is... i'm so sorry hubby... i really am... i will not forget you anymore... wherever you are... and i hope that one day when we're together, you get to read this and know how much i love you... even before i met you, i'm already in love with you!!!

Death

2008-08-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

death has no seasons neither does it recognises people.... it'll jus decides on whom to take away and when regardless of their identity, if they were good or bad, health or not hardworking or lazy... neither does it know times if it's on their birthday or christmas or someone close having an assignment due... it chooses whomever and whenever it wants to....death has no smell or taste and no one can forsee it coming... and thats the nature of death, something that we must all accept. the only comfort we have is that we have Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to mourn and comfort us in these times... and that we learn to praise through all our circumstances. i guess it'll never be easy... it's never easy to let go of someone you love. and it's never easy for a friend to see a friend losing someone they love... and so i will continue to pray and be beside u through this time, crying, praying and standing strong by your side. Not because i have to but because i want to... so here's to you my friend, jus to let u know.. i'll always be here for u.

HAPPY 22 to me!!!

2008-05-30T08:25:00.001-07:00

So on my 22nd burfday... wat did i do?? hehehe i jus sleep the whole day!!! hehehe... really... it was a day full of rest and relaxation and i'm totally loving it!!! love all my friends for all the wishes!!! i really miss u all lots!!! and thank you so much for all my perth friends who surprised me over and over again... life would be so boring here in perth without any of u in my life... thank you!!! and of course... my family!!! love u all so much!!!! i'm so blessed to have u all in my life.... thanks for the great beautiful burfday.... really THANK YOU!!!!

My BurfDay Card from malaysia from my family arrived a few days earlier.. but i love iT!

Even my bro wrote in it!!! missing u all so much!!!

One of our silly poses after 12 midnite... love u all so much!!!!

She insisted on 22 candles on the small cake... it was so CUTE!!!

Amanda's surprise cake for me... it was so small and cute!!!

Amanda's Gift for me!!! I LUV IT!!!

Chirag's Gift!!! SO NICE RIGHT?? i love it!!!

The cake that niken, chirag, wey yiing n cheryl surprise me with... hehehe... niken was hillirious!! it's a Honey Comb mudcake... NICE!

Cell Group surprise me with this beautiful cake!
look so winter wonderland... LOVE IT!!

My Responsibility

2008-05-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

For years, as i search for love, i've always felt that it was the guys responsibility to look after the girls heart, to not give false hope that wat they have is forever, however, it's only lately i've realise that it's not only the guys responsibility to guard the girls heart, it's also my own responsiblity to not expect anything and to be ready to accept that wat is goin on now might not last forever, yes guys do play a role, that they should not say things they don't really mean, or dun really know, but it's also my responsibility to not expect anything from them. to not want something to happen, and hope that it'll last forever. though it's definately not something that i personally can do. the not expecting that he is the one i'll spent my whole life with, i should learn to be contented at where we're at and to just let things slowly happen, instead of rushing things coz i know that it might end. guess i really got to learn to jus let the things that are not meant to happen to go. hopefully... i will be able to do it...

2008-05-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

What Amanda Leong Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.

You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.

People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.

You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.

Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

WHY???

2008-05-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sigh... been sleeping with my bible beside me... it's not a bad thing but the reason it is beside me leaves me to ponder what's goin on with me.... i pray hard every night now.... things goin through my mind have the capability of driving me insane... not to mention the emtional tug of my heart... that's another issue to deal with... and that's why my bible is beside me.. i'm hoping to find answers... all the answers in my heart that i'm silently questioning... and it's engulfing me.... really want to talk to GOD directly... wonder if he'll answer all my questions or do i have to wait... i hate waiting... been doin that for 22 years..... one really can get tired of waiting... especially if out of 22 years 20 years was under good behavior yet i question my blessing.... n the only thing my heart wants.... he refuse to give it to me.... it's a thorn in my side... then again... i should get used to it by now... it has always been a thorn at my side.. for freaking 22 years... i've waited... do u hear me LORD? can u see this breaking heart that is about to give up hope? won't show me compassion n pity on me? 22 years... have i not been obedient? Pls LORD... jus show me the answer... jus one answer....

When Will it come to past

2008-04-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Throw away my walls and let's see what we got
A broken girl with broken dreams longing for hope
wipe my smile and look into my eyes
the tears that i cry everynight
when will i learn to grow up
To be among my peers and not above them
stop trying to act like someone who doesn't understand
when all i see is a reflection of myself
how will i start to voice out my thoughts
to start acting like a human being who breaks and cries once in a while
has everything that's happened around me turn me into stone?
am i a living porcelin doll that's hallow inside
i try to search myself over and over again
yet i find no heart
not a single beat that tells me i'm alive
what is this that i'm feeling
could it be death in another form
to live yet die inside?
all i want is to breath
to be alive with hopes and dreams again

Falling into confusion

2008-03-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

OK! so FINE !!! i have a crush.... hm... but i feel so confused and so irratated.... i dun understand... why the frustration??? it doesn't make sense... like or dun like... then why do me, myself and i feel so frustrated that i like someone... hm.... it's jus so me... liking someone, chickening out of it and most likely totally ignore that person till this feeling is gone.... am i that insecure? or i'm just scare of committment??? seems like there might be more than this....always giving hot n cold signals... that'll be me... really.. first time i feel like i'm falling into confusion... nvm.... it's jus a crush... lets see how long it will last... but then again.. this frustration??? hm... i need a cold shower now... maybe i'll feel better after that!!!!

A friendship that teaches

2008-02-01T09:02:00.000-08:00

As people often say that it's quite hard to have a close friend which is the opposite sex unless there are things about that person that u don't like and vice versa.... in the past year i've made a friend... and this friendship though at times like all friendships faces problems it is still going strong. i want to tell you guys bout how much i really appreciate this friendship and how much it taught me as a person. in this past year this friendship have taught me trust. trust that a person will not harm me, turst that a person will keep his/her promises, trust that whatever that person say is true, trust in the things that they do not tell. trust in the things they do tell and trust that whenever they want to tell they will tell.. but i must admit that this trust is hard. it's hard to not doubt a person when you are so far from them, it's hard to believe in the things that they do not tell hard to not doubt their abilities to be honest with you.. but i learnt to slowly trust.. another thing this friend has taught me is understanding. to understand a persons needs that are different from yours, a persons dreams that are different, a persons pespective that is different, a person as a whole that is different... i learn to be tolerent in understanding and to not demand so much that which a person cannot fulfill... no one can be there everytime you need them.... they are not God, they are only human... and even we ourselves can never always be there for somebody coz bad things come unexpectedly and no one can truly know when they are coming in order to prepare the other person about it..... and so i learn... but these lessons are not easy and i'm still trying to learn them and to apply them fully in my life.... but i'm really truly grateful its because of this friendship that i'm learning and i thank God for this everyday... thank you friend

The PAst

2008-01-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

There are things in life that one will not easily forget..... a memorable memory be it sad or happy... today.. as i went out with a friend... i was reminded of one such event... a moment in my life where from that time onwards i started to grew up to become who i am today.... i must admit that this moment it my life was full of happiness in the beginning and it ended very bitter and sad... but it was that such a moment that i will never forget.... it's really been a long time since the last time i thought about it.... till today... but the past is the past and though i will admit that it still brings me much joy and pain whenever i think about it.... i have finally move on and looked into what the future brings forth for me... 2007 was a year of trials... the end of a 2 year mourning period and now 2008 marks a new beginning for me... i've cried my last and learnt from the past and now i'm ready to learn more about myself and to be confident and stand firm on my principals and belief.... i cannot change the past neither do i regreat the decisions i make because i realise that it was through those decisions i made that have shaped me into who and what i am today.... do i still think about the people that was in that memorable past event? i have to admit that it has been less to none.... bout i'm still afraid to face them.... sometimes the greatest fear i have is facing my past... this is something that i will still have to slowly learn.... what is done is done... and we only have to move on.... i'm finally contented....

one more to go!!!!

2007-11-19T06:25:00.000-08:00

okok..... last paper to go... i have no idea if i can pass anot but who cares? all has been done and said... and now only can wait.... sigh... hopefully i can make it this time..... so after last paper goin melbourne.... for holiday and also to work la... goin to see my high skool friends which i miss so much... though i also miss my friends in m'sia SUPER LOT!!!!! sigh.... hold on hold on.... soon soon.... missing duckie so much ler.... hehehe and schnoodle too!!!!! okla... back to study wei! i can do it... one more only one more!!! gambateh!!!!

destress ah destress ah

2007-11-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

need to destress... ok ok get a grip.... i can do it!!! i can do it!!!! in a certain point of time... u know u're stress when even in ur dreams u are dreaming of things that is of no factual reason but lots of bull period! heehehehe... we were so stress idreamt about trying to take an lrt with my sister to sunway piramid (dun ask me why) and my other friends dreamt bout getting beat up but the natives here.... hehehehe... signs of stress... not to mention if my books could talk they will be yelling at me for flipping them too much..... two papers are down got 2 more to go one's tmr morning... how am i ever gonna wake up for tmr is a miracle.... but i really dun not wish to retake that subject.... can't believe that ever since i've been here i've never drink more redbull or coffee in my entire life than now.... hehehehe.... i can't wait to go home... really miss everyone back home and want to see them so much... not to mention my baby doggie at home too... heard so much about it from my mum.... really want to see him again..... sigh... still have another year to go.... wish i can shortcut..... sigh.... okla.... dun wan to bored u guys liao... besides.... i hear my books calling me..... time for round two.... *ting*! back into the boxing ring with my books... need to battle with it to understand.... hehehe.... ciao ppl!!!!

I'm So Scared!!!

2007-11-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

SIgh... SIGH!!!.... hm.... exam is coming soon and i'm so terrified.... i can't understand what i'm reading.... AHHHHHH!!!!! so need to get a grip on myself!!!! jus really pray that God will help me through....sigh.... these are the times i feel dispare and maybe just maybe i'm not as great as i know i can be... maybe i'm jus NOT good.... sigh.... hope things will be better.... so many things in like hanging...dunno what's gonna happen.... jus waiting....waiting for things that i can't control come into place... whatever happens Lord.... u're in charge...that's nothing i can do now...NOTHING!!! sigh....

evicted!!!

2007-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

sigh.... life is unfair but what can we do.... 2 weeks b4 my finals n my reapplication for my housing is denied! not that i'm a bad tenant... jus that i didn't socialies enough... sorryla if i have to study... shot me coz i need to graduate and work... like i dun have enuf problems now... need to put on me the resposiblility to find a new place to stay... all b'coz? i dun party with them??? stupid reason to denie ppl of accomodation dun u think?... now have to find another location thats near to uni n my work place.... sigh.... worried bout my safety also now... been complaining liao for about 2 whole days... still not enough i really dun like this kind of stuff especially when it's so near exam.... another headache coming on... need to lay down now.... idiots!!!!! IDIOTS!!!! eeeeeeeeee...........

when times are stress

2007-10-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Flying
Standing at the edge,
I can see the city beneath my feet,
Wondering what it's like to fall into the busy streets,
Letting go of everything I've held close in my life,
And for once...just learn to fly
Would it be painless?
Will my memories flash before my eyes?
How would it feel like dancing vertically in slow motion,
Would it be beautiful from my point of view?
Or will horror and fear prevail?
Taking in an air of estacy as i'm trying to omprehend this,
I can feel my courage soaring now as the need for peace creeps desperately into my soul,
Nothing in the world could prepare me for this,
The beauty of falling into an eternal rest,
Where neither presure nor expctation exist,
No more pain,
No confusion and there it will remain.....
Peace....
Only peace.....

just something i wrote a long while ago to release stress.... poetry can help release stress eventhough it will not happen... hehehehe was trying out a new genre of poetry inspired by you... hehehe....

MY TURN?

2007-10-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

hm.... wondering when my turn will be.... to find the guy that u wanna wake up next to everyday... the kind u'll love to hate yet without him... ur heart will break... the kind who will give up he's heart to you and love you like ur the only thing in the world.... the one i'll be with for the rest of my life....but it will all have to wait la.... too busy and tired to keep it at the moment....

4am

2007-09-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

How hurtful can love be,
It ends with a few words,
Yet its effect lasts a lifetime,
It's joy only a moment,
But it's memory forever
How i would wish to erase what it has done to me,
To forget it's pleasure,
To be rid of it's pain,
A woman's love knows no bounds,
Yet a mans betrayal will kill her soul,
This is what love can do,
To either give life or take it away
For men cannot live without love,
As fishes without water,
A creature in need of company,
We are a species in need of companionship,
And as i lay here awake at 4,
I should not hurt anymore,
No I should not,
For that part of me,
Is already dead

GRACE!!!!

2007-09-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

OK peeps! this is a little update on wat happen in grace ball... cool rite? i was dancing the venice waltz as a presentation... love u all muckx!!!!

Music TAg FUn

2007-09-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

The rules laid out are:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on Shuffle mode.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Write any comments you have after the song name.
5. Tag everyone who’s linked to your blog (those reading this entry included too!) and get them to tell you when they’ve done theirs, so you can both laugh at each other’s “misfortunes” or “coincidences”! =D

If someone says "is this okay?" you say?
Unstoppable by The Calling *coolness =P!*

How would you describe yourself?
Rehab by AmyWinehouse *oh no! since when do i have an alcohol addiction? hehehe...my daddy thinks i'm fine... and it's true... i dun have the time...hehehe *

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Anak ayam by too phat *hm... like a guy who likes chicks? hehehe... yup yup certainly like straight guys...duh!!!*

How do you feel today?
Big girls don't cry by fergie *hm... yea... i am a big girl now... and i dun cry anymore*

What is your life's purpose?
a spanish song by son by four & jaci * no idea what they are singing so can't tell u my life's purpose.....*

What is your motto?
Love me like the world is ending by ben lee * hehehe... yes people... better love me like the world is ending... =p!*

What do your friends think of you?
I'm moving on by rascle flatts *hm..... i dun want them to move on from me!!! ... i love u all so so much!!!!! *

What do you think of your parents?
Sorry, blame it on me by akon *sorry mummy n daddy for being a naughty girl and not living up to what we had in mind*

What do you think about very often?.
Nothing's changed at all by the calling *trying to convince myself that everything is still the same when it's not?*

What do you think of your best friend?
My cinderella y lil romeo *aww.... she is a cinderella... deserves her prince charming!!!! *

What do you think of the person you like?
I can love you like that by all for one *i can love him like that?... hehehhe if he want i can...maybe.....*

What is your life story?
Chariot by gavin degraw *hm....ur golden waves are walking down on this face...i'm singing out loud... give me ur strength? *

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Dedebu Cinta by misha omar *so sad one.... bertabur and berlalu...debunga pilu pergila bersama rinduku....tinggal la cintaku yang luka semula...*

What will they play at your funeral?
one by one by the calling *er..no comment sound so saddistic *

What is your hobby/interest?
this is the air i breath by mercy me *breathing is my hobby...but i like sleeping more ler..*

What is your biggest fear?
somebody out there by the calling *being alone and unloved*

What is your biggest secret?
beautiful girls by jojo (her reply to sean's song) *i might have caused a few broken hearts*

What do you think of your friends?
shake yer body by gerhana ska cinta ft too phat *my friends ROCK!!!*

Dreams n thoughts

2007-08-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Here's what my dreams are...

i want to dance - to express myself thur my body... to feel the songs flow through my soul onto my feet and to jus move to the rhythm in a beautiful movement
i want to sing - to sing my heart out... to mean every word and to feel like in my soul... to sing the tunes and carry it as if it is my own... to sing like how it was meant to be sung
i want to live - to live life always being joyous... meeting people and always try to impact ppl i meet
i want to love - to give my heart n take all risk accociated with it and to jus care with all my heart not worrying about if it will be returned a not
i want to draw - to hold a pencil and sketch all the images and art in my head that i see... to express myself not only in body but also thru paper
i want to take pictures - to allow others to see how i view the world.... to capture a certain beauty in things which seems most ordinary and overlooked...

i really dunno why i'm studying accounting at the moment since all i wan to do seems really into the arts side... hehehehe but i guess in time we'll find it out

till then.. HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY M"SIA!!!!

Good Girl? Bad Girl?

2007-08-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the emo-ness..... hav u ever feel that u're not good enuf? that u've done something so bad that u somehow feel it's unforgivable n u jus wanna be left alone down that path which u know will lead to misery but u jus wanna walk in it coz u know u're not good anymore? i feel that way... like i've done some stuff that i feel it's unforgivable and that i'm ashame of n i jus wanna be left alone to walk down this path of destruction.... i can't explain why i feel this way all i know is i'm in too deep to let it go... i jus want him... i know he's no good for me... i know i can do better but at this moment i jus want him... i know he used me... i know i can never be happy with him... but for this moment i wish he was here with me.... sigh... i know i shouldn't miss him.. but i can't help it.... i do miss him and i miss him badly... oh my... someone pls knock some sense into me!!! sigh....i think i might jus have turned into a bad girl....

Broken.... finally

2007-08-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

sigh.... "u'll never know what u have till it's gone" this is a quote that has been reminding of the slight pain of a memory i have now.... not to mention the countless songs that sings about love torn apart....i'll have to admit that i'm a bit if not alot of a saddist... i kinda like the intense of feeling apart from the one u love... yet... it's so painful and most, many a time u wish that person wat jus here with you..... i need someone to love.... maybe then i won't feel so lonely.... yet the process of knowing someone n letting them know u n then deciding if u should get together a not... seems..so... LONG... u know like forever... i'm like so tired of having to go thur that initial stage over and over and over again.... maybe that's why to a certain degree i much prefer arrange marriages.... so fast n easy... MARRIGE first then fall in LOVE.... sigh... committement bound... learn to love each other thru it all...

When u hate work

2007-08-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

Working now is like a drag.... everytime i go to work is a day when i feel like crying... i can't really explain but when it happens i really hate working.... but always at the end of the day i will find a reason to stay and continue to work... the only reason i still work there is coz i believe if u can take the shit they are giving my now i can do it later in the future... though it is not a good reason to work in a place you hate.... it's not giving up on it that makes me stay.... the customers also give me much relieve to see them smile n to talk to some of them makes this job worth working... i jus wish they would treat me a little better... everyday this semester is like battle... struggling to constantly put up with people who look down on me and put me down with their words and action... sometimes i feel so tired... trying to win over and over and over again... to prove to them that i can do it.... it is a struggle.... but i know in my heart is only i can take this battle one day at a time... i will survive and when i do.... i know i can survive anything... it's not "the how many timesu fall down" that counts its the "how many times u get up when ur down" that makes all the difference... and i know i can make it... patience amanda....patience.....

SOLUTION!!!

2007-08-14T00:27:00.001-07:00

Finally bought a wheeler bag to carry all my textbooks..hehehe.... enjoy the pics of my new bag!!

A Bug!!!

2007-08-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

HAve you ever wondered why some ppl just get to you?
sigh... like a bug that is always disturbing you... this ppl jus get to you and you have no idea why! WHY!!!! hehehehe... so mang ler.... dun understand how can these ppl jus find the rite way to creep into your skin and get to you... wish i can squach the feelings like a bug...eee....

Definition of men n women...a profund truth

2007-08-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

hm... so went to church on Sunday and ironically the pastor was talking bout marriage... it was an eye opening experience to me coz it gave me my first in look on the tragic knowledge of how Australians think about marriage... and how liberal they were about the matter... i guess growing up in a secure family i never knew the majority truth that is currently in the world... anyway... he said a few things that personally i felt were so true and that i wanted to share with you...

a man defines himself with the contribution and performance he gives... let me explain, a man, any man has ego... be it big of small...it's there and generally a man's definition of self in thru the contribution and performance he does or bring to the relationship or work... when we as women pick on their contribution, it hurts their self definition thus making them feel unappreciated and unloved....

a woman defines herself thru the health of the relationship she has with the man.... this is found it a profound turth... i've always been afraid of becoming a super possessive gf and the truth is, i've became a little when i realise that the health of my relationship was insecure.... this to me was something that i finally understood.... i though i was jus being a whacko but now i understand why whenever i get or almost get into a relationship i feel very insecure and have a needy side... not because i'm a whacko but it was because i as a woman was define by the health of my relationship and it's because the relationships health was unstable...i became unstable... hehehe... at least now i know i'm normal... hehehe... so yea... it was profound and i really hope one day my husband and i will know this truth and know what i need and i will know what he needs...

thru this insight... i learn to "Stroke a man's ego" once a while and to let him know that he's contribution is knowledge.... so on goes my life of waiting for the Right moment to arrive... until then... i'll still be preparing for him...

BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS!

2007-08-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

EEEEE...... banyaknya buku kena beli...... not like u'll use it forever..... one subject has many as 3 textbook thicker than my bible wei!.... money all flying liao =( not like it's cheap as well... $200 for one subject... wahliao convert is like RM600 wei!..... but wat to do... at least got secondhand... now jus trying to figure out how to get those books to class... doesn't help that i usually walk to uni.... hm... maybe i should get a small wheeler bag.... sounds potential.. i shall go shop and see.... sigh.... money going again..... hehehe... so dilemma... hope i'll be able to get all mytextbook in time... so lazy to go find and buy it... really reluctant to buy them... okla..gtg sleep! 8am to 5.30 pm class... see ya soon! ciao

Will He be Back?

2007-08-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

And she awakes to find him beside her asleep on the coach overlooking at her, he looks so cute when he sleeps.... and she loves the way he cares so much about her... will he ever know the truth about how she feels towards him? it's a pity that he'll have to leave her, and in her mind she started to question why everyone she cared about somehow ended up walking out on her.... she's in tears now... without her realising the need for him to be with her is so evident... she wished she could hold him.... wished to be in his embrace and stay in that moment forever but alas... soon.. reality will strike and she'll be left alone again... wondering if he'll ever be back for her.... he said many things.... things that would make any women's heart flutter but she will not believe it..she refuses to believe a single thing he says until he comes back for her.... yet she'll remember... yes she will remember... ever single word he said.... not coz it meant anything but because she really wants it to be true... and then she reaches out with tears burning the side of her face... to touch him while he's asleep... to confess her feelings towards him... in a silent stare and motion... to feel him for one last time.....

it'a a pity he had to go home.... we only known each other for a while yet.... i wished we had a chance to know each other better... will see each other again i hope.... till then take care my friend whereever u are....

Dissapointed but moving on...

2007-08-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

So i randomly joined a business competition... worked my ass till the final 4 and loss... it was dissapointing.... i admit i was a sore loser... when home early to dwell in depression and loss out on receiving business cards from future employers....darn! =( sigh.... i do feel depress... i really kinda hope i would win... but alas... maybe i was jus not good enough.... but all's well that ends well... i got to keep tons of friends... whom i really love them all.... and got to build confidence in myself... i found myself a bit more after this competition and am now more focused and determine to start my own company... i'm still afraid of failure... but am trying to recover from it... heck i might jus join again next year to prove to myself that i can do it..... jus gotta learn how to pick myself up again..... now... gotta consetrate on uni stuff like studies.... the african day i'm organising and mamak nite as well... i jus thank God he helped me thru... i'll jus let things flow for now.... He'll have to be my guide.... thanks GOD... for EVERYTHING!!! love u lots!!!

mising u all lots too!!!
mandy

UPDATES again!!!!

2007-07-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

alrite.... just got my results back and so far out of 4 subjects i got 3 distintions and 1 high distintions.... though i must add their distintions are 70 - 80.... so i did quite badly by "my" standards la.... the other one i got 90 so am superbly happy bout it though it was managerial accouting which like i did 3 different versions of it liao counting thi one.... next sem is gonna sucked as there will be Taxation (well known BORING subject), External Reporting (well known hard core subject + BORING...who ever knew that there is so much freaking theory in accounting man), Law Corporation (baby tell me liao that it's all statues and therefore lotza memory work + BORING) and lastly Personal Finance (which has no reputation at all.... hm... should i be worried bout it?)

not to mention i'm offically a contestent in BUSINESS ICON WA 2007... which is a business competition like the Apprentice only in a shorter time period (5days) n a harsh elimination technique (team that loses in the various task gets kicked out of the competition till the last team remains where then they'll compete as individuals) which starts on the 25th July 2007 till 30th July 2007.... shit scary man...

i'm also running and organizing the African Day for an event called "multicultural week" in october which i haven't even started yet!!!! =0!... and maybe... jus MAYBE... will be running AMS (assoiciation of Malaysian Students) "mamak nite'

i will also be most probably working next sem... AH!!!! how am i gonna do it?... gotta be SUPERWOMEN.... hm... keep it together n we'll see how... will update on my soon to be freaking busy life.....

Getting Rid of the skeletons in my closet...

2007-07-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

As eminem sang a song about skeletons... maybe i should jus lay everything out now... it's been like my whole life since i truly let it out.... "note to readers - this is jus from my point of view..wat is say now is only gonna last for a few moments after that i'll be my loving self again so no worries.... it may not all be true but wat the hack...i have the rite to be angry sometimes ya? "

i hate you... i can't believe after 2 years i still hate you... i dun think i've throughly express how much i do hate you and her.... but mostly you... for hurting me after all that time... shit u didn't even have the heart to break it to me slowly when u first realise it wasn't me u loved.... shit you.... **** you.... and i truly thought at that time that you were matured enuf.... i can somewhat see that i was wrong.... life after you sucked.... it sucked to the point of almost death... i couldn't feel anything, i couldn't do anything and i felt as if you've left me to die... the pain was unbearable and there were so many times i contemplated sucide..all i ever did to was to forget....all sorts of ways to forget... trying to drink away my life, pour myself out into work... my whole life was ruin and my future was left dangling on a thin string...at first i remember that i always blame myself for letting you get to me.... i was so sure it was my fault that you left me so cold.. .. i was sure of it.... though i did not blame you out rightly... i blame myself inside... and it ate me up... i jus couldn't remember who i was or what i was before i met you... and i always scold myself coz it was jus a short-term thing yet it affected me so badly.... i was puzzled, i was confuse but most of all i was mad coz i couldn't get ovet it as easily as you did.... i tried my best to be friends... but all it did was deeping the wound i made myself....so i took the easiers way out and i ran...everytime u spoke of her... i winched.... coz it jus reminded me of the knife that was still locked in my heart.... and though it might not seem like it, but thru it i grew up... and start to not give a damn bout what u or anyone think about me anymore.... i'm living for myself now... but the scars are yet to heal... what u've made me feel all those years ago still remain as a memory... n there now is a new fear... a fear of being hurt again like how u did it... i'll never know how the other girls recovered from it nor will i understand how someone u thought u loved so much could ever hurt you so bad... to realise after so much emotion that was poured out that it wasn't you whom they loved but another that you've actually met and trust....but i guess we knew it all along...there was meant to be no future for us...but why did i did it anyway? i'm still in awe about it... how did it happen?... i have no freaking idea...seriously.... it was all too surreal....but all i know it's that its in the past and now i'm happy... it took me a while to get here.... but alas i'm here.... but i still dun want to see you and if i do...i'll bring someone along to give me the strength to face you.... either one of you... but thanks to my real friends...i've been able to recover and now there's him... hehehe... not so much of him coz we aren't anywhere ready to go anywhere.... but he's my friend now... n i won't make the same mistake as i did with you.... he's wonderful.... not exactly great.... but good enough.... he's been there for me so far... and i'm thankful for that....to a certain degree different from you....then again.... i didn't really know you did i?..... still the past remains unchanged but all i can do is look back and thank GOD that i survived one of my lifes minor tragedy.... i hope you've changed too... jus pls dun dissapoint me... u've done enough of that already....

there its over!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! and now life continue as normal... hopefully....

seriously ppl... dun take this post seriously k?..... thanks

What I wish I could be like

2007-07-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

so feeling a bit out of place and so hm... i guess this is really what i kinda hope to have as a personality....

i wish........
i was more quiet (so i won't say all the wrong things when i speak)
i was more beautiful (mature beauty that hopefully would be timelss)
i was more humble and teachable ( so i can learn more from everyone around me)
i could sing better (so i can sing n not feel inadequate)
i could earn more money (so my parent dun have to work so hard)
i was smarter (so i dun have to study so hard)
i was more hardworking (so i dun have to study so much)
i was friendlier (so i can have more friends)
i could open up more to people (so other people get to see the real me)
i could love and trust like other people (instead of hiding behind someone thats not real)
i could get someone to love me (so that i won't have to keep on getting jealous of other people)
i could be more self-sufficent and independent (so i won't have to be jealous even when i dun have a bf)
i could know who i truly am (so that i can understand the defination of myself)

nothing is more important than knowing who u are... i'm just at a pit stop now.... finding myself... it should be all ok.... i hope it'll be ook.... i know it'll be ok...... right?

Duckie!!!

2007-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

So... i know this is so silly... i couldn't help it.... i was bored... and i needed a soft toy... hehehe so i got one to replace my teddy back home... hehehe.... n he's name is... DUCKIE!!!! specially named due to the obvious fact that it is a duck... or is it a platupus? hm..... and also after somebodyla who's too busy for me liao..... =(...... hehehehe... i feel so lame now.... =p!

hehehehe duckie close up

such a poser with duckie

me n duckie

hugging duckie tightly...

MORE UPDATES

2007-06-19T19:51:00.001-07:00

Posing Posing and Posing

coz its quite bored here so... i took lots of picture of me, myself and i.... however, being a bad photographer... only a few came out... hehehe newa... i know how many of u wanna know how i'm doin and how i look like... so here are some pics of me u can save and look at me when u miss me!! *aw* hehehehe.... (i look tired n worn out btw) hehehe...

how i currently look now....

posing again! trying to look cute *cough* cough*

me posing... AGAIN!!!!*sigh* only like the lighting though... hehehehe

ME 21st BIRTHDAY!!!! not much happened but it was a good day

in another pre-b'day party... my other bunch of friends

cooked dinner n this was my b'day cake!

strawberry cheesecake.. it was good!

thanks sophia, wey yiing n all others!!! >_<

The Rest of my flatmates thought that baileys would be a great gift

hehehhe... we ended up eating baileys with ice-cream the whole nite n

washed it down with some sweet wine... hehehehe

thx! Chiraq, niken, arif, david, yuth, omar!

My B'day gift... from dilli... my china flatmate!

it was a body shop's compact mirror n lip balm

Some of my friends

-sham, san san, sandra-

FINALLY!!!

2007-06-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Ok....so i finally when to uni to update my pics for ur enjoyment.... hehehe... this is a place i went to called the pinnacles.... its a place full of lime stone in all weird kinds of shapes in the middle of the desert... it cost like $ 47 for the trip k.... just to go see stones... *sigh* but i got to go for free....won some contest.... it seems.... hehehe... enjoy ....

p/s i know i gain weight k..... =(

The Place

Hehehehe... u know wat it looks like

Me in a pinnacle

me siting on a pinnacle

Me ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

the View as a Whole...breathtaking.....!

2007-06-17T10:26:00.001-07:00

UPDATES!!!!

2007-06-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

OK so i get it that many people wanna know how i'm doin... so sorry peeps.... i just dunno what to write about... maybe partly i'm scare if my mum found out all i did... hm.... hehehhe... naughty la.... hehehe so jus some updates so far

Finishin my last paper tmr.... (law contract) again!

about 3 more semester got to go thru

doin a degree in Bacholer of commerce double major (Accountin n financial planning)

currently have 3 jobs....(dun ask how i do it)
a)chinese restarunt (pay penuts)
b)Indian restarunt
c)promotion job

Results.... still pending

still very much single (NO cuTE GUY HERE) either that or i'm fussy

erm... staying on Campus

Rooms A mess!!! (as usual)

BOught a Camera !! (Finally)

Am 21 now (so OLD!!!!)

Attending Ps. Neil Smith's (from Planet Shakers) Church one and a half hrs bus from my house

currently is winter

Miss my friends Supa Lot!!!

Having Holidays soon and am planning to work my ASS off to EARN LOTS to shop in M'sia

well that's bout cover everything for now... hehehe not much social life at the current moment... will update more for u peeps... PROMISE!

P.S can't post pics coz the uni blocks uploading and downloading stuff... SORRY

As autumn ends, it's the beginning of winter

2007-05-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

sigh... as i'm currently freezing my ass off... dah la kan tak boleh tahan sejuk kat m'sia sini lagi teruk... autumn is ending soon and winter will take it's place... the tempreture can drop till 6 and knowing how i hate cold... i jus cannot tahan all those early morning coldness... but on another note... been feeling super emo... dunno why and jus feel like gonna break down soon..(not good).. guess my world's been turning upside dwn since last year.. with so many changes in my life like church, life, college... i'm jus still trying to figure myself out... trying to figure who i am what i am and wat i want to be... it's not easy when u've been building an image of urself for so many years and in a year everything change n u realise that u have to build urself again.... i really dunno where to start or how to do it...and i feel lost....forgetting who i was before this and wondering how to get myself back.... so i indulge myself in work and by focusing on things that are easy to figure out like studies but i can't denied there is still something missing..... inside..... my identity, myself.... still trying to find for it....

Sometimes the past is hard 2 forget

2007-05-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

well.... as i sit here in my room listening to emo chinese songs (dun ask me why i'm listening to it eventhough i dun understand what they are singing).... i've been just thinking these few days about my life... everything in it high school, college, friends, crushes, lover.... all these that is important to me and affect me.... hehehe.... many things have happened in 21 years of my life, friendship being put to the test, high school drama, college drama, innocent confessions of crushes and heartbreaks... all this have made me who i am today... hehehe i can honestly say that i'm no longer the amanda that walked in the threshold of life college a few years ago... so many things that have constantly put me to the test and have forced me to grow up... do i have regreats? i think i do jus tat i can't seem to remember them.... and do i have longing? yea... there are a few things i still wish i had or i still want and am hoping for it.... weather those things are good for me a not... i can honestly answer that i dunno and i dun think so... but those stuff doesn't matter.... what matters is now.... what am i gonna make use of my time now to continue to grow.... as a person... so many failures have taught me to try harder and tells me that there's nothing i can't do if i put my mind to it.... but there's still a long way to go... my race is not over and i know that there will be many more failures and challenges around the bend for me to face and my only hope now is that whatever that i'm about to face... i will be able to come out of it victorously.... so... as i'm about to go grab my dinner.... hm.... i miss u all lots!!! *muck*

mandy ;p!

PhOtO$

2007-03-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Leaves indicating autumn

Side view of a small part in campus

Front view

One of the buildings on campus
(they have around 50 + buildings here)

W@tCh@ up 2?

2007-03-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

yo peeps!!!

so due to unpopular demand, I've set up a blog account so that u all....whether u like it or ... can view wats happening to me down under ( sounds so wrong) hehehe... but newa... have to let u all know first that it's a bit busy here so if i dun update for a while... my sincere apologies... life here is not too different i mean... i still eat, sleep, study, party, drink and met whole bunch of new ppl.... maybe the biggest difference so far I've encounter is the language barriers and the fact that I've no car to drive anymore and am force to depend on my 2 feet to bring me everywhere....other than that... the campus is HUGE!!! and it can be tiring walking to classes... the biggest and hardest decision i have to make so far is believe it or not.... which church i want to go to.. i mean got so many choices here you're practically overwhelmed by it! not to mention the fear i have of walking into a cult church and not knowing it's a cult! hehehe not to mention that i have also been studying most of the time trying to keep up... so yea...tats all i have so far for my first entry... got lots more to share will put it up the next time.... see ya peeps... missing u all lots =p!!!